Mid-job crisis

Work is very self-indulging. I work my butt off, do nothing else, given up reading, given up strumming on the guitar, given up thinking about anything else. My mind, a blank a lot of the time, I’ve redefined what it means to stone. I get on the bus, stare into space and voila, I’m at my destination. So what just happened in the last 15 minutes…..

It’s harder than I’ve ever worked, even in school. A colleague who was working when I was on a Sunday afternoon asked ” is it worth it”. I’m not certain, it wouldn’t be worth it if it were for anyone. So why, what makes me get out of bed in the morning. Routine. Knowing there’s more stuff to do. “What are you doing after all this”. I don’t know. Am I going to feel a big void after this. Yes, for sure.

I’m not certain I’m stretching any mental capacity but I’m certainly stretching the physical and emotional capacity. How much more can I do, how much more responsibilites will be shifted to me. I get to the self-indulging part now. I enjoy the stress but I’m really looking forward to a long holiday.

Am I incoherent. Yes. Am I tired. Yes. Am I sick of the work. No. Do I enjoy the work. I don’t know. This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve not overthought out my life, the first time that I’ve not considered scenarios A to Z in my head. Then why am I doing this. I’m thankful for the job, a blessing after squatting at home for a long long time. I’m glad for the friends/fellow sufferers. It’s a great distraction. The learning curve is immense, it’s more like a 90 deg angle. I do this because I want to.

I’m off to do some more of this….. I need to, as Mel reminded me, “be still”…. I will, at some point….. I need to….